


The Last Kolache

by MadDramaQueen



Series: RT Extra Life 1,337 word fic challenge [5]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 09:44:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12768339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadDramaQueen/pseuds/MadDramaQueen
Summary: The last kolache goes missing!Who's the thief??





	The Last Kolache

"All right! Who did it? Who's the fucker that took the last kolache again?! God damn it! I was gonna eat it before the podcast!" Michael exclaimed, looking at the empty box. It was 10 minutes until Off Topic and the box of kolaches on the off topic table was completely empty, aside from a few crumbs. 

He glared at broadcast. "Did you do this?!" 

Mutters of "no," "of course not" and "I ate before I got here" chorused through the crew.

Michael ran his fingers through his hair and collapsed on his favorite Off Topic chair, sitting in his usual far left side of the table. He picked up his iPad, looked at the sponsors and face-desked. "I was so fucking prepped to have a nice snack before the fucking podcast, for Christ sakes."

Gavin walked on the set, eating an apple. "Wot's up, boi? You feeling all right?"

Michael looked at Gavin and glared. "No, everything is not 'all right'" he mocked with Gavin's accent. "The last kolache is gone and I don't have a snack before the podcast!"

Gavin sighed. "Oh, that's a shame, Micoo. You saw me take one as soon as you put it on the table about 20 minutes ago, so it wasn't me. When I took one, there were more in there and I didn't go for seconds because we're getting lunch afterwards. Don't wanna spoil my appetite, you know!"

Michael groaned. "God fucking damn it. Every time, man. I don't want to wait until like, 2 hours later where I'm barely getting through the podcast without a snack in my belly!"

Gavin took a bite out of his apple and offered it to him. "You can have some of this, boi."

"Fuck off, Gavin." Michael muttered, slapping the apple out of Gavin's hands, making him yell and squawk to try to catch it again. As he went toppling off the podcast area, Jack walked by and sat in his usual seat.

"Hey, Michael. It's almost podcast time. You ready?" he asked.

"No, I'm not ready! I had a kolache sitting here, in the box in front of me, waiting for me to eat it after I came back from the bathroom and now it's gone. Fucking gone, Jack!" Michael sighed.

"Man, that sucks. I remember I had one, and Jeremy had one and Alfredo had one. We were getting ready to come here, that I don't think we came back for seconds. So, we're out of the rage hunt for now, buddy. Sorry." 

Speaking of the two aforementioned Achievement Hunters, Jeremy and Alfredo came walking onto the set, laughing about a joke Jeremy told a few seconds earlier. Michael glared at their happiness.

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ahead and laugh and be happy on my damn podcast. At least you two assholes have a nice, delicious kolache in your stomachs." Michael grumbled.

"What's he talking about?" Jeremy looked at Jack.

"Someone ate the kolache Michael was saving before the podcast and he's pissed about it." Jack explained.

"Ohhh, shit, dude. I remember eating one earlier. They were delicious! Lil J also took one, then went back to the office. Did you write your name on the box or something?" Alfredo asked.

"Fuck no! I put it right by my seat, which clearly means that it belongs to me and everyone else should fuck off and let me enjoy my damn snack! But, I leave for 10 seconds and it grows legs and walks away!" Michael snapped.

The 5 minute warning sounded. It was almost time for Off Topic to begin and poor Michael still didn't have a snack.

"Hey, guys. Where's Ryan? Isn't he supposed to be on the show today?" Jack asked. He looked closely at Ryan's seat and saw some crumbs on the seat and sprinkled on the floor quite close to it. "Holy shit...Uh, guys? I think I know what happened and Michael is not gonna like it." Jack pointed to the seat. 

Jeremy leaned over to look and gasped. "Oh, THAT'S where Ryan went!"

"That sneaky asshole." Alfredo chuckled.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Michael asked.

"Ryan took a kolache earlier and ate it in the office while we were working on video editing. Sitting next to him, I could tell he was enjoying it." Jack said.

"Jack, please. I almost sit across from him and I could hear him going 'mmm! this is so good!'" Jeremy mimicked his Battle Buddy.

"Michael, you weren't in the room, so you didn't see this. Later on, Ryan said that he was going to get a Diet Coke. We thought nothing of it and just shrugged it off. It took 10 minutes for Ryan to come back. And looking at the crumbs by his seat, I think we know why." Jack sighed. "Michael, Ryan ate your kolache." 

"I'll KILL THE FUCKER!!" Michael exclaimed, but before he could get up to leave, the theme for Off Topic started to play. "Seriously?! Now?? He's not even here yet, the asshole!"

"Who's gonna tell his wife after Michael kicks his ass?" Alfredo whispers to Jeremy.

"I mean, I'm not gonna tell her. You offered." Jeremy mutters.

The cameras roll, the live stream is up on the website and everyone could see the rage on Michael's face.

And they could also see Ryan strolling in late.

"Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late to the- Oh, shit. It just started. My bad." Ryan quickly sat down, with his 2 cans of Diet Coke.

"Ryan! Hey, buddy!" Jeremy smiled and chuckled nervously. "You wanna, uh...wanna say something to Michael before we start?" 

"Like what?" Ryan asked, tilting his head in a confused manner.

Michael turned to the camera. "Welcome to Off Topic, where apparently kolaches are sentient and can leap off of tables when their owner goes to take a shit. I'm your host, Michael Jones. I'm being joined today by, Lil J, Alfredo, Jack, and Ryan The "Kolache Stealer" Guy."

"Wait. What? I didn't take- Ohhh..." Ryan realized. "That was yours?"

"No shit, Ryan! It was right by my chair! It should've given you a signal that it was mine!" Michael shouted.

"All right, look. Here's what happened, okay?"

"Can't wait to hear this..." Michael crosses his arms as Jeremy gives a silly face for the camera to stay focused on for 10 seconds.

"So, I had a kolache earlier. And it was good. It was good." Ryan shrugged.

"Bullshit! You acted like it was the best thing you've ever eaten! I've never seen you so in love with food before!" Jack pointed out.

"...all right, it was delicious, okay? And I finished it at my desk when I was feeling thirsty and I was going to get a Diet Coke. That was not a lie. There were no more in my mini-fridge and I wanted to restock. So, as I was walking past the set- this set right here, I saw it. It looked lonely and afraid. The last kolache in the box." Ryan started to be dramatic. 

"It was calling out to me, you see? It was saying, 'eat me, Ryan. Eat me! My owner fucked off and left me here to rot where I'll get hard and hard to consume! You loved me before! Please love me again!" Ryan clutched his chest as if he were reciting Shakespeare.

Jeremy stood up and gave a round of applause. "Beautiful, Ryan. That was beautiful."

"Audio listeners, you've just missed Ryan spewing bullshit as if he were in a fucking play about stealing food. I'm about to go Les Miz on his ass and chase him down!" Michael glared at him.

Ryan sighed. "Okay, the kolache didn't talk. But, it did look sad and lonely, so I ate it."

"HE ADMITS IT! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!" Michael stood up, in a rage.

"Michael is now standing up and is marching over to where Ryan is sitting." Jack narrated.

"Any last words, Haywood?" Michael growled.

Ryan just smiled. "Your kolache was delicious!"


End file.
